Forgive and Forget

Sorry for the long lack of posting, I have been concentrating on my fiction.


I recently read a long article extoling the virtues of ‘forgive and forget’.
The author emphasised how to do otherwise was bad for your spirit, your health and your life. Saving our spirit, health and life is a noble cause, so I feel remiss in saying “What a load of ill-conceived crap”.

Leave ‘forgiveness’ to the realm of your preferred Deity, and understand that the human mind never forgets – though it may misplace information when badly organised.

Let’s deal with ‘forgive’ first.

Forgive

If an act is an accident, then quite simply there is nothing to forgive - so let’s also dismiss accidents.
When someone does something deliberately, there is always a reason.
We need to know and understand reasons, and we also need to clearly understand that reasons are never excuses.
If someone’s behaviour is hurtful to us, we have to consider the response to their reasons.

Here are a few examples:

Reason: I was angry.
Response: Learn how to deal with anger, how to place it where it belongs, and how to give it boundaries. Until then, stay the fuck away from me. Preferably, also stay the fuck away from everyone else.
*Note. Forgiving the result of anger is not an option. Accepting that the person has done the work and (genuinely) will no longer give way to anger is OK.

Reason: I am ill (mentally, physically, whatever). (A clone of "I was drunk")
Response: Seek a cure. If the illness encompasses doing others harm, expect to be isolated from all except your health professionals.
*Note. Forgiving the result of illnesses is not an option. Accepting that the person (genuinely) has been cured is OK.

Reason: I misunderstood.
Response: Learn to question, check facts, and think before you act. Until you have, stay the fuck away from me.
*Note. Forgiving the result of misunderstanding is not an option. Accepting that the person has done the work and (genuinely) will no longer give way misunderstanding is OK.

Reason: I fucking hate you.
Response: Then stay the fuck away from me.

OK, note a common theme here?
Do not forgive a hurtful act, accept when the reasons has been ’fixed’.
A hurtful act is never acceptable, so can never be ‘forgiven’.
If someone has genuinely solved their problems and is no longer hurtful, then they do not require forgiveness.

'Not forgiving’ is not to be confused with ‘holding a grudge’.

Wanting to remove a source of pain is fine.
Demanding that someone stays away until they stop hurting is fine.
Pining for revenge is not OK.
Wanting revenge is not OK.


Forget

Oh, I forgot that you stabbed me.
Oh, I forgot that you screwed someone else after promising to be in an exclusive relationship with me.
Oh, I forgot that you committed genocide.

Let’s get real here.

We never forget (OK, societies can and often do - more fool them).
To forget, by some medical intervention, is the perfect path to allowing a recurrence.

The point is, we should never forget that an act is unacceptable.
We should never forget that someone is capable of such an act.

We can, eventually, accept that they have removed such capability, cured whatever illness, learnt to handle whatever reasons they had.
IF THEY CAN GENUINELY DEMONSTRATE THE CHANGE/CURE.

This can, and often does, take a long time and a lot of convincing.

Neither forgiving nor forgetting is NOT harmful to us.

Holding a grudge is.
There is a difference.