Long time no blog entry - life went through another hectic period.
Anyway - adultery and cheating....
Here’s the thing:
You fall in love (hopefully) and you decide to marry/live together (maybe/eventually).
From then on it’s up to both of you. You can feed the relationship and make it grow, or you can starve it so that it withers and even dies.
Now I’m going to say something contentious:
If one partner decides to cheat – BOTH ARE RESPONSIBLE!
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not defending cheaters – they are self-centred bastards(esses).
They hurt their partner, any children they have, the other woman/man, and the other woman/man’s partner/children. ALWAYS!
They try to justify this with self-deceptions and lies.
They do this because they are too dumb/weak/selfish to undo the damage they have already done to their existing relationship.
They figure the rule “close one door before you open another” doesn’t apply to them.
Even if they want to repent, they have created damage that will take a long time (if ever) to repair – whether or not the partner accepts their repentance.
So, having said that, why do I also put responsibility on the cheated partner?
Simply put, the partner has, either consciously or otherwise, kept their eyes and ears shut - because:
1. There are ALWAYS signs that a partner is willing to become open to someone else.
2. There are ALWAYS existing problems that are leading up to a partner cheating.
3. There are ALWAYS signs when a partner is starting to cheat.
They did nothing about any of this.
And “I’m scared I might lose him/her”, “I daren’t risk breaking up the relationship”, “but I love him/her” are crap excuses.
Doing nothing about those signs is condemning you both to a crap life together.
I am not saying dual culpability excuses a cheater, but the one being cheated must realise the part they played – else they will both continue making the same mistakes and/or potentially become very bitter.
No 2 above will probably need explaining most. What are those existing problems?
Top of the list, Number 1, is lousy communication: -
Are you both really, genuinely happy with the relationship?
Are you BOTH feeding it?
Do you both remember why you got together, what you loved/valued in each other?
Do you both really listen to each other?
Are one or both of you allowing other people, other stresses, other considerations interfere with the relationship?
The list goes on, but those are good starters.
Number 2 on the list: -
were you really compatible in the first place? If serious incompatibilities developed, did you take note and face them?
Number 3: -
Did you define boundaries, set the correct level of expectations, ensure they were agreed upon, and enforce them?
*NOTE: Ignoring something is actually condoning it, saying it is OK.
Very few of us had good training or found a good understanding of what makes a relationship work. Many take self-help books/guides, Guru quotes, Conventional Wisdoms and/or Myths as a supposed great guide. They seek to fit someone else’s template. Very few realise that what makes a great relationship is specific to the two people involved, not what works for others.
And it has to work for both, all the time!
Adultery is a symptom and not a cause, and both partners are culpable.
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I agree with you that both the partners are responsible if one of them becomes a cheating spouse. It is very hard to get back together once you find out that your spouse has been cheating on you.
ReplyDeleteHi Alayna,
ReplyDeletethanks for the comment.
Forgiveness can sometimes be very hard won, and requires that both partners fully understand what led to the cheating. It's worth repeating - we all have reasons for everything we do, but reasons do not excuse what we do.
Forgiveness does not entail accepting reasons as excuses for that behaviour.
"I understand why you did xxx, now lets BOTH work on making sure the reasons no longer apply."
Trust, however, is even harder to regain.
It often helps, though not always, to understand that both of you really betrayed trust.
With the following statement - a proviso is UNLESS BOTH ARE HAPPY OTHERWISE.
When a relationship starts, part of that process (should be) promising to always let the partner know where you both stand at all times. It requires that both of you ensure you are fully aware of what the other feels.
If one partner insists on remaining a closed book, the other must state "this is unacceptable and has consequences."
One consequence may well be - we are incompatable, let's end this.
To continue otherwise is dishonest.
I've been watching the DISCOVERY "Life" series and this is what I've learned about mammals: the males only come around for the mating and then leave the females with brood to form self-supporting co-ops.
ReplyDeleteI asked myself why I expected anything different from the human mammal.
Of course, some partnters simply commit adultery because they can.
ReplyDelete"Oh, that attractive person seems to want to have sex with me. I know it's wrong, but I probably won't get another chance in my life, so let's do it."
Variety is another word for adultery.
Johnsie:
ReplyDeleteMost other mammals don't cook food, don't live in houses, don't read, don't have sewerage, don't...don't...don't....
Get the idea - we ain't instinct/chemistry driven robots, we have choice. Pretending that we are is a great excuse for behaving like morons and dickheads.
So, unlike dogs, I'm NOT going to sniff your bum chum.
Mark:
"I probably won't get another chance in my life".
Those of us that did have a sex life before marriage came to understand that what comes from the different shapes and sizes of other women doesn't offer that much worth Adultry.
Discovering a different mindset or approach to life and sex may - but that comes in all types of bodies, not just the attractive ones.
If that is why someone commits adultery/cheats - then we get back to the 'existing problems' I discussed above.
Funny how men that use the "its in my animal nature" excuse only apply it to the things they want to do isn't it.
ReplyDeletehey,
ReplyDeletei run http://intoviews.wordpress.com/, a site where i interview various creative people and i was wondering if you would like to answer a set of questions,
paul
Hi Paul,
ReplyDeletesure - I'd be happy to.