Forgive and Forget

Sorry for the long lack of posting, I have been concentrating on my fiction.


I recently read a long article extoling the virtues of ‘forgive and forget’.
The author emphasised how to do otherwise was bad for your spirit, your health and your life. Saving our spirit, health and life is a noble cause, so I feel remiss in saying “What a load of ill-conceived crap”.

Leave ‘forgiveness’ to the realm of your preferred Deity, and understand that the human mind never forgets – though it may misplace information when badly organised.

Let’s deal with ‘forgive’ first.

Forgive

If an act is an accident, then quite simply there is nothing to forgive - so let’s also dismiss accidents.
When someone does something deliberately, there is always a reason.
We need to know and understand reasons, and we also need to clearly understand that reasons are never excuses.
If someone’s behaviour is hurtful to us, we have to consider the response to their reasons.

Here are a few examples:

Reason: I was angry.
Response: Learn how to deal with anger, how to place it where it belongs, and how to give it boundaries. Until then, stay the fuck away from me. Preferably, also stay the fuck away from everyone else.
*Note. Forgiving the result of anger is not an option. Accepting that the person has done the work and (genuinely) will no longer give way to anger is OK.

Reason: I am ill (mentally, physically, whatever). (A clone of "I was drunk")
Response: Seek a cure. If the illness encompasses doing others harm, expect to be isolated from all except your health professionals.
*Note. Forgiving the result of illnesses is not an option. Accepting that the person (genuinely) has been cured is OK.

Reason: I misunderstood.
Response: Learn to question, check facts, and think before you act. Until you have, stay the fuck away from me.
*Note. Forgiving the result of misunderstanding is not an option. Accepting that the person has done the work and (genuinely) will no longer give way misunderstanding is OK.

Reason: I fucking hate you.
Response: Then stay the fuck away from me.

OK, note a common theme here?
Do not forgive a hurtful act, accept when the reasons has been ’fixed’.
A hurtful act is never acceptable, so can never be ‘forgiven’.
If someone has genuinely solved their problems and is no longer hurtful, then they do not require forgiveness.

'Not forgiving’ is not to be confused with ‘holding a grudge’.

Wanting to remove a source of pain is fine.
Demanding that someone stays away until they stop hurting is fine.
Pining for revenge is not OK.
Wanting revenge is not OK.


Forget

Oh, I forgot that you stabbed me.
Oh, I forgot that you screwed someone else after promising to be in an exclusive relationship with me.
Oh, I forgot that you committed genocide.

Let’s get real here.

We never forget (OK, societies can and often do - more fool them).
To forget, by some medical intervention, is the perfect path to allowing a recurrence.

The point is, we should never forget that an act is unacceptable.
We should never forget that someone is capable of such an act.

We can, eventually, accept that they have removed such capability, cured whatever illness, learnt to handle whatever reasons they had.
IF THEY CAN GENUINELY DEMONSTRATE THE CHANGE/CURE.

This can, and often does, take a long time and a lot of convincing.

Neither forgiving nor forgetting is NOT harmful to us.

Holding a grudge is.
There is a difference.

Stupidity

Yes, this is a vent – but it is also highly representative of the madness the silent majority are allowing to spread across this world.

In recessions and their aftermath, extremists and fundamentalists somehow seem to gain power, and few are fighting back. The situation I am describing is in an Islamic country, yet the stupidity and hypocrisy are just as prevalent in the Christian world.

I may seem to be making a mountain out of a molehill, but just think about it, about the issues involved. (I’ll write more on this after I describe the situation).

A background first:
The city’s public swimming pool has been shut “for renovations” for four years, but finally re-opened recently.

The first thing to note, there are no detectable improvements and the changing rooms/showers are filthy, broken and stink. No one has complained, nor did they during the four years closure.

Now, two new notices have been posted.
The first shows the opening hours, the relevant part is that for the afternoon session the pool is open until 6.00 p.m.
The second, and this is the main issue, states that males wishing to use the pool must wear “tights”. The notice is in Malay, but ‘Tights” is in English.

I have been to many Islamic countries, and most were more fundamentalist than Malaysia. I have swum in those countries and not in ’relaxed’ tourist hotels.
So, wearing that same acceptable swimming costume (modest, lined and from waist to mid-thigh), I went to the pool.
The attendants objected, pointed to the “tights” word and insisted that I either borrow the recommended tights from them or leave the pool. They gave me stretch fit, unlined, semi-transparent cycling shorts. The clearly defined outline of my penis (which is not huge) and testicles was blatantly on display. (See photos above).

Time to insert the dictionary definition here:
tights [tīts]
plural noun
1. thick one-piece garment: a one-piece close-fitting garment made of opaque colored material, covering the body from the waist to the feet and worn by women and girls for warmth and casual wear
2. dancer's one-piece garment: a one-piece close-fitting garment covering the body from the neck or waist to the feet, worn especially by men and women dancers and acrobats
NOTE: The definition does not include cycling shorts.

I refused to wear the cycling shorts, made an appointment with the Director, and discussed this issue. He agreed with me, but asked to see photos of both my swimming wear and of the ‘tights”.

Three weeks later, during which I swam with my own costume and with no complaints, he backed out of his position. He had discussed the matter with the lifeguards/attendants and now insisted that “Tights” be worn.

Here are the issues:
1. A director, having allowed uneducated jerks to build their tiny empire, is ignorant of the actual meaning of the word he supports. I have pointed out to him that no-one is wearing “tights” in the pool.
2. The Director has allowed those same jerks to be the arbiters of Islamic Morality.
3. Once more we have an example of interpreting a rule based on the words used and not the intent of that rule. Modesty is an issue in Islamic states, and I have no argument with that. A rule is also required to prevent people using the pool in their day clothes, for health reasons. This IS a problem with Malaysian Muslims who are supposed to totally cover up. It is NOT an Islamic rule that males show the outline of penis and testicles.

Perhaps, when he looks up the definition of “Tights”, the director should also check the definition of “Modesty”.

Remember that 6:00 p.m. closing time? The pool is actually being closed at 5:45 so that the lifeguards/attendants can start their private swimming lessons. They are robbing the public of the time they have paid for. “Tights” is an issue with the Director, this theft is not.

I am asking the director his intent, because it puzzles me.
Are they all latent homosexuals wanting soft porn live? Is the intention to allow the females to select a well-endowed partner? Who redefined “tights” as cycling shorts?

The reaction of the Malaysians to all this?
“It’s the rules, we have to obey. It’s their swimming pool.” A look of bafflement comes over them when I ask “Who paid for the pool, who pays the director’s salary, and who pays the lifeguards/attendants salaries?”

When I ask the females if it would be OK for them to be forced to show the outline of nipples and pubic crease – they look horrified. So why force men to show their private parts? ”Don’t know.”

As I stated before, the focus on words not meaning and the application of a personal interpretation of those words is the main tool of fundamentalists/extremists of all religions worldwide. It is a Godsend for little people wanting their moment of power.
It is time for the silent majority to make a stand.
So, yes, I will make a mountain out of this molehill.

Moment of Power

A small victory today had me reflecting on a syndrome we all know and have experienced.

Small minded and spiritually stunted people sometimes manage to find a position where they can exercise little moments of power. In the grand scheme of things, these moments are nothing, and yet experiencing them can be frustrating and annoying.

Common examples are the secretary in charge of stationary at the office, a doorman or receptionist at a hotel, or a waiter at a restaurant. Their modus operandi lies in finding a regulation, preferably badly worded, and then sticking rigidly to one or two of those words – while ignoring the intent of those regulations.
If someone argues with them, they indignantly justify their actions with “I am just obeying my instructions/the regulations.”

Another classic is the spotty faced kid employed as a speed cop. Standing tall and proud, he adopts the attitude of a teacher addressing a small school child. Two standard opening gambits are “Do you know what speed you were doing?” and “Do you have a good reason for breaking the speed limit?”
Facetious questions, because no answer will avoid that ticket.
Then will follow a lecture on how speed kills.
Funny, after you were doing 105 in a 100 zone and he just did 130+ to catch up with you. (Justification, this is a zero tolerance area).

It is tempting to say that they are just dumb, but as their victims depart you can hear these people smile.

I am reminded of an acquaintance that once gave me a lift in his car. With a giant truck behind him, he kept stomping on his brakes and then accelerating away. “The clown will just think that I’m having engine problems.” He found this game highly amusing.

In my “What we do to them” blog page I discussed levels of attention, which explains why these people do as they do – their place in life is to be a pain in the arse.

How do you deal with them?
Answer, you don’t.

If it is worth the effort, you simple go above their head – and talk to someone with real power.
Without boring you with the details, that is the nature of my victory today.

Addendum:
When a cop asked me those facetious questions, I replied “I have this silly approach to driving. I keep my eye on the road instead of staring steadfastly at my speedo. So, yes, my speed might marginally increase or decrease once in a while.”
He had no answer and silently continued writing the ticket.

The Power of a Single Voice

This deserves its own blog page, and I just wish that I had far more people that would read it.
I have rushed it, so I apologise, but I wanted to capture the incident while still fresh in my mind.

Every once in a while, someone does something that blows you away – their intelligence, their sense, and their courage – and they restore your faith in the human race.

What I am about to recant may seem a small issue, small potatoes, yet it relates to one of the largest issues in this world today.

First – the background:

A local professor runs a breast cancer clinic, but in recent years the clinic has been having its government support drastically cut. She therefore set up a private charity to create more funding.
Though she is a Malay Muslim, the charity board consists of all three Malaysian ethnicities – Malay, Chinese and Indian.
Decades of hard work and fighting for support has worn her down, so she is retiring from both the clinic and the charity.
Therefore a new chairwoman was selected for the charity, and she is another Malay Muslim. Her taking up the post happened towards the end of a new fundraising scheme. Part of her ‘campaign’ to become chairwoman consisted of listing her husband and friends and the influence they could bring to the charity.

The Event:
Every year, the board organises a fundraising charity dinner. This year they had several potential venues to choose from, but one stood out – it could provide more tables and had a substantially lower cost per head. For the charity, this meant it could raise far more funds.
The event consists of both food and entertainment.

The Trouble:
The new chairwoman objected to the venue – or rather, she demanded that they choose another.
“The restaurant does not have ‘halal’ certification. We must not ask Muslims to go there. My husband can arrange for us to use a government hall.”
Such a change of venue would radically reduce the number of tables available – hence reduce the funding they could gain.
‘Halal’ is an important term in Islam, though the emphasis has slowly become restricted to the way food animals are slaughtered. I both understand and respect this requirement of Muslim life.
The charity board were bowing down to this woman’s demands, not wanting to offend Muslims.

The Stand:
Then just one woman, a Malay Muslim, stood up and gave one of the most important messages this world needs to hear.
“You are using this aspect of our religion as a bludgeon, part of a power play. You are exercising bigotry and intolerance. This event is not about religion and it is not about eating. If we, as Muslims, decide that none of the food is suitable, we can choose to not eat! We can still attend to support the charity and to support our fellow charity members of all ethnicities. Your objection is a non-issue.”

The board saw the sense in what she was saying, and the original venue was re-instated.

My Point:
My point in this blog is not about one religion, and it is not a condemnation of Islam. It is certainly not about suppressing any religious beliefs that an INDIVIDUAL chooses for THEMSELVES.

The extremists in most religions are also the most vociferous. They make claims of representing everyone of their faith.
This claim is a LIE.
They forget the tenets of their religion and they preach intolerance and bigotry. They use their voice to gain power, and they browbeat the rank and file through fear – usually quoting out of context and dubiously interpreted extracts from their holy books.

It brought tears to my eyes when one of the rank and file stood up with the courage to oppose this.

That this example occurred in Malaysia is amazing.
To put this in perspective:
Once famous for its religious tolerance and blended ethnicities, the government that has been in power for over fifty years is now in trouble. They are hence drawing more and more on religion to stay in power. 60% of the population are Muslim, and if these people can be cajoled by unfair ‘gifts’ and bullied by religious intolerance, the government hopes to win the next election.
The other two Malaysian ethnicities are being relegated to second class status, and the extremist right wing Islamic religious leaders are being given more and more powerful voice.

If more Muslim Malays had the courage of this woman, the trend could be reversed.


I stated that this blog was not about any single religion, though I have used this example.
The same issues have dogged this world for thousands of years, and are blatantly occurring in both the US and the UK right now – extremism always expands in times of financial and economical crisis.

This woman demonstrated how a single voice CAN fight back.

What We Do to Them - 2

How we are failing children in our education systems.

Part 1 - Some basic facts:

1. Children learn better in a reward based system. Those rewards do not always have to be praise or presents as such. Reward = “They see something in it for themselves and can get it.” One such reward – they actually enjoy what they are doing!

2. Children learn better contextually. E.g. Teach them Pythagoras’s theorem with diagrams on a blackboard, some will get it. SHOW them how it is used, e.g. in calculating the height of a mountain top, most will get it. That is “Get it”, not just “Memorise it”.

3. This is the twenty first century, with computers and the Internet.
“What is the Capital of India?”
Old way - err, I’ll try to remember.
New way “Let’s check with Encarta or Google.” - on my cell phone!
Trying to store away a mass of facts is both useless and redundant:
• There are far too many for any human to gather in a complete lifetime
• Most are up there on the Internet.
We do not need to teach how to memorise, we need to teach how to search, understand and extrapolate. Using something in a practical way actually tends to plonk the ‘facts’ into memory with far less effort.

4. Yes, there are some basic skills we need to teach – yet these are the very ones that are becoming weakest in children now. Communication, social interaction, initiative, TEAM WORK!

5. Teaching in a categorised way prevents cross-fertilisation of ideas.
E.g. This lesson is Chemistry, or Physics, or History. It is in total contrast to our world, which is rarely so neatly categorised.
Most of the greatest advances today are coming from combinations of very differing fields. E.g. Computer graphics concepts are being used in cancer research and have sparked an amazing new approach and understanding.

6. We haveTIME, but we introduce specialisation far too early! This is the result of mixing two concepts:
• So much to memorise!
• If you haven’t made it by 30,20, 15?, you are a failure.
We misuse time, choosing to abuse it and create needless pressure/stress. “Only two months until the exams, get to work!”

7. Exam based learning is USELESS!
Oh, it provides stats for Education Ministries, helps rank schools in competition with each other, makes ’A’ student’s parents feel proud, and gives us some superstars to praise and write about in the newspapers.

They’re a great KPIs (Key Point Indicators) for the supposed success or failure of the latest implementation of an education policy. Note the word I used – “Supposed”.
And – hey – we get results every year, that’s almost instant gratification.

Truth is, each new set of exams supersedes the previous, effectively negating them.
e.g. In my school days: Eleven plus passed? Forget that, you must get O’Levels. Forget them, it’s A’Levels. Forget them, it’s a degree that counts.
Then, at the job interview, “What experience do you have?”

We use these stages for one simple reason – few of us actually learned how to assess someone. Look at the plethora of “Personality Test”, “Interview Techniques”, “Personal Assessment”, etc tools being sold. All with check boxes and computer calculated results.
As someone who has had to interview and recruit literally many hundreds of people over the last three decades, and had to work with people selected by others using these “techniques”, I can’t emphasize enough how crap these systems are.

8. Children, despite the strength of the Myth, do not develop at the same rate or in the same way. Yet schools generally lump them all together based on age bands. So one six year old is bored to tears amongst the others, while one eight year old struggles to keep up with the others.



Although, in many countries, there are pockets of people that understand these facts - I know of only one country as a whole that is applying them and changing the way they deal with education.
Singapore.
Unlike most of the other “Let’s make changes” we’ve seen over the decades, they also understand the need to phase in their approach – with a carefully worked out transition plan.

What we do to them

Children that is...

On Mondays, I teach music classes – 6 lessons during the day - with children ranging from 3 -7 years old. On Saturdays I teach children to swim (same age range). During the rest of the week, I home school my own two children – now aged 10 and 12.

Observations from those classes and from teaching my own children have compounded with observations in other circumstances during the last five years.
The final impetus for writing this blog entry was a Facebook group called “IF I SPOKEN TO MY PARENTS HOW KIDS TALK NOW DAYS I`D BEEN KNOCKED OUT.” I wasn’t surprised at the ignorance and stupidity voiced on that group page.

So, here we go...

1. The Music Classes.
The truth is, the children are not ready to learn music. Instead, I am initially teaching them:
a. How to Listen
b. Self control
c. Team Work
d. Co-ordination
e. Not to be living representations of Zombies.
f. How to pay attention even when someone is not whacking them on the head.

For the last five years I’ve only had two cultures to observe – Malaysian (consisting of Chinese, Indian and Malay), and the culture I have developed within my own family. Memory prompts me to believe that the crap nurturing of children I observe here is not absent in the West.

Referring to the list (a. – e. above), I’d taught them all to my own children by the time they were four. Both the teachers and the parents of the children in my classes are failing those children miserably.

2. The Hawker Stall (like a Western food hall) - 1
One of the women that serve tables is doubling as a nanny for a five year old boy. When she isn’t sitting with him on her lap, she is carrying him around. The boy is constantly whining and has an almost perpetually miserable face. He is not ill and has a pair of legs that, on extremely rare occasions, work adequately.
When I am sitting near to him, I pull faces and play the ‘hide your eyes’ game. This usually creates a flicker of interest or even a smile/laugh.
There is still the remnant of a, dare I say, normal child in him.

It is not my place to say anything to the nanny, and even if I tried she would neither understand my language nor the concepts I am addressing.
Basically, the child is already pretty much stuffed for life and I pity the teachers, peers and – heaven forbid – the poor woman he may eventually persuade to marry him.
That is the gift from this child’s parents.

3. The Hawker Stall – 2
Malaysians claim to love food. Watching them eating, and every hawker stall has at least some people eating during the twenty four hour day, it becomes obvious that this is not the case.

Instead, they are obsessed with stuffing their faces. The routine is:
• Walk into the hawker stall
• Rush to select food
• Then find a table
• Stuff or vacuum the food into your mouth as fast as possible
• No conversation until every last scrap has been gobbled
• Don’t give a shit if any of your party has/has not been served.
• When sharing bowls of food, don’t give a shit if there is not enough for others, as long as you have grabbed as much as you can.
• If they go for, say, a chicken curry and there isn’t any, they are there, they are going to eat NOW, they would not dream of going next door where they might still have chicken curry.
That would waste valuable eating time.
What they eat is not important, eating is.

Similarly, in every hawker stall at any time of day you will see at least a few gigantic balls of fat wrapped around the children buried within. After they finish the main meal (enough for a large adult), they will usually start on crisps or ice cream.
Where does this obsession come from?
The parents teach it to their children.

Those children will have a problem for life. Those with the sense to, later in life, try to stop the rot will always have an uphill battle.
That is these parents gift to their children.

4. “IF I SPOKEN TO MY PARENTS HOW KIDS TALK NOW DAYS I`D BEEN KNOCKED OUT.”
Where do I begin with this one!

First, to truly nurture a child, there are things you have to start almost from the moment they are born. Every day, week, month, year, decade you omit those things, the greater the uphill battle you are creating. Leave it too late and, basically, I think that there will be fuck all you can do to rectify the situation. We will have to suffer your damaged little bastards.

I’ll list what those things are in another blog entry, later.

OK, the things the idiots commenting on that facebook group need to understand:

a) Whacking a child is not discipline, and it does not install any worthwhile discipline.
Any supposedly ‘good behavior’ the child exhibits is based on fear, and it WILL disappear when that source of fear is removed. Has no one else noticed that most obnoxious brats are those that HAVE been whacked by their parents?

b) Children do, and have to, learn from consequences.
Consequences, however, are NOT punishment.
A shout/scream, thump, removal of something they want etc are rarely directly related to what the child has done – they are a universal/fits all reaction. ‘Bad behaviour’ – smack, shout, whine or bully.

A comparison, to help clarify:

Refuse to wash – dirty/smelly children do not sit on furniture or share company with others. A consequence. It is effective, though may take time to sink in.

Refuse to wash – shout/scold/thump etc. A punishment. It just teaches a child that those who should love/nurture them are also capable of willingly hurting them. It IS short lived and ineffective over the long term.
It teaches a lousy life lesson.

c) Discipline is fine for soldiers.
Want a soldier to obey a command when there is no time for reasoning, teach him discipline.”When I say jump, jump.”
Want a child to grow up into a successful, capable adult – then teach them SELF-DISCIPLINE and SELF-CONTROL.
Ensure that they do things because they understand a valid reason for doing so, not to avoid a smack. This will last them a lifetime. Wait until they are fifteen/sixteen to start trying to teach them this – forget it.

d) Young children, especially very young children, cannot reason.
When will this fucking old chestnut die?

If a child IS too young to understand something, simply DO NOT EXPOSE THEM TO IT.

What if they put a finger in a plug. hand in a fire?
Then you are fucking useless, use plug guards and fire guards! Don’t smack them because of your inability to think.

What if they run into the road?
Do I really have to give a better solution?
Don’t take them on fucking roads unless you CAN hold them.
“Oh, I have to carry the shopping.” Then find somewhere safe to keep your child. If you can’t, or can’t afford to, that’s your fucking problem and not a reason to hurt the child.

e) My parents smacked me, and I grew up undamaged/wonderful.
I seriously doubt the truth of this statement:

1. You have grown up believing that, when you think it justified, it is OK to hurt a child. And don’t be a wanker – a “light smack” is still hurting a child – else why do it?

2. I have yet to see an adult that came from a smacking family (unless they have done a lot of work to counter it) that do not fall back on anger/aggression/violence (vocal or physical) when faced with frustration or a situation they think they are losing control of.

3. Most smacked/disciplined adults tend to attack the individual and not the argument. They have learned that attempting to brow beat is a great counter argument.

4. A very high percentage of smacked adults lean towards favouring emotional blackmail.
News flash –punishing a child IS using emotional blackmail.
They go on to attempt the same in the workplace, with partners, and then with their own children. Emotional blackmail is a shitty behaviour pattern.

*NOTE:
For any wankers that are reading this:

I do believe in teaching children good behaviour (though I sometimes, especially with the older ones, allow them to question if what I want is RIGHT).

I am not speaking as a no experience, dogooder, greenie, leftie, idealist. (Though why is ‘idealist’ considered bad, I have to ask?).
I practice what I preach and IT WORKS.
I am also a solo father, so I haven’t ‘had it easy’.

I DO NOT believe in allowing children to run wild or turn into little shits. Dr Spock was a badly misinformed man, don’t paint us all with his brush.

I do not use ‘Time-out’ or ‘naughty corner’ or any of that other useless crap.
Time-out – for those that insist on using it - is a break (allowing everyone to cool down for a moment) and not a method of teaching.
Naughty corner is just downright bullying.

This is growing too long, more later.

Adultery and Cheating - Relationships part 5

Long time no blog entry - life went through another hectic period.

Anyway - adultery and cheating....

Here’s the thing:

You fall in love (hopefully) and you decide to marry/live together (maybe/eventually).
From then on it’s up to both of you. You can feed the relationship and make it grow, or you can starve it so that it withers and even dies.


Now I’m going to say something contentious:
If one partner decides to cheat – BOTH ARE RESPONSIBLE!

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not defending cheaters – they are self-centred bastards(esses).
They hurt their partner, any children they have, the other woman/man, and the other woman/man’s partner/children. ALWAYS!
They try to justify this with self-deceptions and lies.
They do this because they are too dumb/weak/selfish to undo the damage they have already done to their existing relationship.
They figure the rule “close one door before you open another” doesn’t apply to them.

Even if they want to repent, they have created damage that will take a long time (if ever) to repair – whether or not the partner accepts their repentance.


So, having said that, why do I also put responsibility on the cheated partner?
Simply put, the partner has, either consciously or otherwise, kept their eyes and ears shut - because:

1. There are ALWAYS signs that a partner is willing to become open to someone else.
2. There are ALWAYS existing problems that are leading up to a partner cheating.
3. There are ALWAYS signs when a partner is starting to cheat.

They did nothing about any of this.
And “I’m scared I might lose him/her”, “I daren’t risk breaking up the relationship”, “but I love him/her” are crap excuses.
Doing nothing about those signs is condemning you both to a crap life together.

I am not saying dual culpability excuses a cheater, but the one being cheated must realise the part they played – else they will both continue making the same mistakes and/or potentially become very bitter.

No 2 above will probably need explaining most. What are those existing problems?

Top of the list, Number 1, is lousy communication: -

Are you both really, genuinely happy with the relationship?
Are you BOTH feeding it?
Do you both remember why you got together, what you loved/valued in each other?
Do you both really listen to each other?
Are one or both of you allowing other people, other stresses, other considerations interfere with the relationship?
The list goes on, but those are good starters.

Number 2 on the list: -
were you really compatible in the first place? If serious incompatibilities developed, did you take note and face them?

Number 3: -
Did you define boundaries, set the correct level of expectations, ensure they were agreed upon, and enforce them?
*NOTE: Ignoring something is actually condoning it, saying it is OK.

Very few of us had good training or found a good understanding of what makes a relationship work. Many take self-help books/guides, Guru quotes, Conventional Wisdoms and/or Myths as a supposed great guide. They seek to fit someone else’s template. Very few realise that what makes a great relationship is specific to the two people involved, not what works for others.
And it has to work for both, all the time!

Adultery is a symptom and not a cause, and both partners are culpable.

Breasts and Vaginas and the penis.

Moving to Malaysia, with a mix of three Asian cultures, has been a combination of slipping through a time warp to the 1950’s and being an extra in a US Fraternity Movie (comedy?).
Sadly, however, various parts of the West retain varying degrees of the crap thinking I see over here.

What am I talking about? How does that first paragraph fit with this blog page title?

The title was suggested by two of the social rules over here:
1. The man must always pay – not just for his date, but for every woman in the group.
2. Men must pamper and tolerate their womenfolk no matter how badly they behave.

The standard answer I receive when questioning females “Why should this be?” is always ”Because they’re men and we’re women”.

There is only one generic consistency when it comes to differentiating between men and women.
All women have a vagina and all men have a penis (unless nature or surgery has messed about with them.) I excluded breasts because, although typically women have larger ones, both sexes can have them. “Breasts” looked good in the title though and probably brought in a few more google search readers.

There are big, small, strong, weak, macho, feminine, long haired and short haired women. There are women that go to work and earn money and women that don’t. Some women also have to shave. There are women that can’t cook, wash, clean and/or iron.

There are big, small, strong, weak, macho and feminine, long haired and short haired men. There are men that go to work and earn money and men that don’t. Some men also wear cosmetics and perfumes. There are men that can cook, wash, clean and/or iron.

Therefore, the only sensible conclusion that I can draw is that having a vagina means being paid for and pampered, and having a penis means the opposite.

This logically leads to the assumption that men value a vagina far more than women value a penis.
The thot plickens.
Most research has shown that - despite suppressing the fact in more fanatical cultures and times – both sexes actually like SEX equally.
Heterosexual sex, at least, requires both genders’ equipment.

So, now what are we left with?
The only variables left are that vaginas must be more visually appealing than the penis and that vaginas can eject (after a while) babies! Men must pay/tolerate because women have more visually appealing equipment and can (if both parties decide it is viable) eject babies.

OK, I’m being slightly facetious here.
However, the fact is that women are not stuck at home growing/caring for babies during the dating phase, and many choose not to be even after marriage (which is compulsory for baby growing over here).
I pay a mechanic for fixing my car, not just because he could and might one day. And especially not if he works with BMWs and I drive an Audi! (or worse, he works with Beetles and I drive a Camri!).

Come on folks, let’s mature here a bit shall we and accept that the accident of being born female/male has no more intrinsic value than a love of custard!
Less actually, a love of custard is both a choice and is slightly revealing of who/what we are.