Relationships - Part 2

Another long one....

PART 2

Before I go much further, I need to clarify something.
There is no ideal or “one size fits all’ relationship model.
I will be pointing out what tends to either suit or cause problems for most people. When I ‘bust’ a myth, I am not necessarily saying don’t live by it. I am saying that you should be making informed decisions.
For example (I love examples):
If you are aware of the evidence against a flat Earth, if you know the inherent dangers of believing in a flat Earth, yet still wish to base your life on such a theory – I say good for you, just;
1. Make sure that everyone in a relationship with you understands and is comfortable with it. Ensure that they also are making an informed decision when deciding to be in a relationship with you.
2. Do not try to enforce it on an unwilling participant.

Now that I have stated that, please don’t expect me to keep on pointing it out.
Acknowledge that I am offering information.
Also, please acknowledge that such information is (informed) opinion; I do not claim it as any form of universal objective truth.

I hate that “in my opinion" game. The one that states “Say ‘in my opinion’ and you are modest, don’t say it and you’re an egomaniac”.
Please…..yawn.
It came from my hand/mouth, obviously it’s my opinion – I trust you to work that out for yourself.

OK, let’s continue.

In every relationship, we have three initial responsibilities:

1. To set up a correct level of expectation.
Some mistakenly call this “Honesty”. Look at just about every female profile on a dating site, there will be that word under requirements/what I am looking for. “HONESTY”. What a sad tale that tells.
Let’s break that myth now, (MYTH Number 2) “We must always be honest with each other to have a good relationship”.
Newsflash: honesty is not always a pre-requisite and can sometimes be a fatal mistake.
If one or both partners state up front “I will lie to you when it suits me” and both are happy with that, there is no problem.

Lying can range from little white ones “Oops, I forgot your birthday. BUT. Look in the closet. Wow a present”, through supportive “You look beautiful tonight” despite the fact that they are virtually destroyed by the flu, through persuasive “I do love you, let’s fuck”, and onto destructive “I’m having a night out with the girls” when she is going to see her lover.

We do not require absolute/generic honesty; we do need to define areas where it is essential to us individually. That is part of setting a level of expectation.
One other point, only a fool states “I have caught you out in a lie, you are dishonest, and so we are finished”. You need to understand both the motive and the context of a lie before you can come to such a decision. More later….

2. Setting boundaries and sticking to them.
Accept/tolerate something shitty, then you’d better understand that you are saying that it is OK. Keep on accepting it and you’re driving yourself into a dead end, one that will be very difficult to reverse out of.

Not setting boundaries is grossly unfair to your partner; it is not an act of love. If they don’t know that they have crossed a line, why should they stop doing it? Why shouldn’t they be surprised when, upon doing it for the hundredth time, you suddenly change into someone else that becomes angry?

MYTH Number 3. “We should be tolerant with our partner”.
Sounds good eh? However, when we look at it more analytically, there are two problems with that concept.
a). It is denying a fundamental human right. I have the right to be who I want and to act as I want (though of course, I must accept the consequences of any actions). So do you.
What fundamental arrogance for anyone to believe that they have the right to ‘tolerate’ me! You either accept or you ensure than one of us goes somewhere else.

Acceptance, in this context, places neither partner in a hierarchy – we are different, neither being superior nor inferior.
Such hierarchical approaches are destructive unless both partners have selected such a relationship as desirable.

b). More often than not, such tolerance is totally artificial. It is more usually a point scoring mechanism, with an attached incurrence of debt.
“I have accrued x tolerance points, that entitles me to (x * Factor y) benefits.”
And again, usually the tolerated partner only finds out about the debt when the one tolerating decides to call it in. More later…


3. Start with fresh eyes, fresh mind and fresh heart.
This is based on a concept that will be very difficult to stomach:- you have probably learned very little of use from any previous relationships.

“Ah”, you will probably say, “I have learned what I do and do not like!”
The fact is, however, what may be likeable or unlikeable from one person may actually be the opposite with someone else.
Everyone will, eventually, do or say something that recalls a bad memory from some previous relationship – but it is a different person doing it with (probably/hopefully) a different motive.
Everything is contextual. Don’t consider scarring as experience or wisdom. More later…

PART 3 will expand on some of these “More Later” statements