A quick note. This site is getting increased numbers of visitors, yet few are commenting. Feedback please people.
OK.
The Reality Check –part a.
‘Reality’ is, I’m sure you know, a hotly debated concept in some circles. For sure, it’s hard to get an objective perspective – which makes it a dangerous term to throw around.
A ’Reality Check’, however, is a different beast. It is not so much a statement of fact, it more usually consists of a comparison – in the form of a question.
The best, and most accurate, Reality Checks are simple in nature . The more complex they become, the less reliable the conclusion. Complexity can be one of the greatest tools of deception, especially self-deception.
Great pre-amble, but what is a ‘Reality Check’?
In its simplest form, either “Does belief (A) match result (B)?” or it’s converse “Does Result (B) confirm belief (A)?”
Here is a common example of a failed Reality Check, drawn from teenage confusion;
“(A) He says he’s wild about me, but (B) he rarely contacts me”.
Mismatch. Failed reality check.
(B) indicates low on his priority list, which does not match (A) “Wild about me”.
Some get this far, but then lose their nerve.
To be effective, do not alter the reality check question.
Where (B) is not the answer desired, do not modify it by applying excuses.
With many, the Reality Check is either ignored or made more complex – “Does he seem wild about me when he doesn’t have other priorities, am I being ‘too demanding’ or ‘needy’?”
Let’s respond to that:
1. Your level of demand or need is your right, and it is part of who you are. Being wild about you must include that level of demand or need. Otherwise, “Wild about you” translates as “Like some things about you”. Failed Reality Check.
2. Pick up phone, dial number, say “Hi, just checking you are OK. Sorry I’m busy, let’s meet as soon as I can”. Time taken, what, 2 minutes? Not willing to sacrifice 2 minutes = “Not wild about you”. Failed Reality Check.
Converting a simple question into something more complicated and/or applying excuses to justify a failed Reality Check is self-deception.
‘Why is he not wild about me?” is a separate issue, it is not part of checking if he really is ‘wild about you’.
Accepting “Wild about you” after the failed Reality Check but remaining unhappy is a cul-de-sac, one based on deception, his and your own.
To many, that blindness seems preferable to accepting the information and having to deal with it.
A huge mistake.
A failed Reality Check does not have to mean “end relationship”.
It does mean that there is a problem with that relationship that needs understanding.
We go from deliberate ignorance to making informed decisions.
More in Part 4 The Reality Check – part b.
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The phrase "reality check" has always vexed me. It implies one has temporarily lost their handle on the concept of reality.
ReplyDeleteIf that were true, we'd all be walking around in our nudies waggling strands of linguini at strangers and howling at parking meters.
Well, that's how I pass the day, anyway.
P.S. You won't get any comments without networking on other blogs. That's all I'll say on the matter.
Mark, close.
ReplyDeleteIt is a simple mechanism (tool) for seeing whether or not "one has temporarily lost their handle on the reality of their own life".
I'd say that if you insist on continuing to believe something despite all the evidence being contrary, you have lost sight of your own reality.
People may not waggle linguini in the nude, but they insist on ignoring what they are experiencing if it does not suit their dream.
That is at the heart of the majority of relationship mistakes we make. Add in believing all the myths, that pretty much covers them all.
This will become clearer in part 4b.
P.S.
I thought that I was networking on other blogs?
I'll FB message you to question what I'm not doing. Thanks.