Relationships – Part 3

I’ve been covering a lot of ground, and at quite a fast pace, and leaving lots of ‘More later’ promises.

Before I go any further, however, this is a great point to cover one extremely important concept.

When we start a new relationship, we have one of those rare and valuable opportunities in life.

It can best be summed up by a simple sounding sentence.

“It is not who you were, it is who you want to be and can you live up to it”.

Think about the common run of life, of how we both build up our own image of ourselves and also how others see us.

Our parents watch us grow, and they see not only our successes but also our mistakes. Those mistakes are often called ‘failings’. Sadly, parents often – when faced with their children grown into adults – still see that child and insist on maintaining the relationship the way it used to be.

In early relationships, as an adult, we try on a certain persona, and the partner reacts to that persona.We can also build a negative history together, where old hurts and injuries are kept alive.

Both partners can end up re-enforcing that initial persona and it becomes very hard to change. Even when we do, the partner can refuse to believe or accept the change.

One of the common problems in relationships, especially those established while young, comes from friction when either or both partners grow. It is, again sadly, rare for both to grow in the same direction at the same rate. This becomes increasingly difficult when one or both partners demand the other remain the way they used to be. It becomes a balancing act, keeping the partner happy whilst still allowing ourselves to grow.

It is both amazing and impressive when couples actually manage this successfully, as some do.

Many, however, fail.

I think many of us come to a stage in our lives when we ask “How the hell did I become this person?”

Look at the amazing opportunity we have when starting a new relationship.

Some may have experienced this when starting a new job with a new company. We can dump all that garbage, all that history, and have another chance to become who we really want to be.

And how sad is it that so many waste that opportunity. They stick to all those “This is how we always…”, “This is how I always…”

And they fail to ask themselves one very important question “Who I am, what I believe, how I act – do those things actually work for me?”

We have all heard, and probably used, the term ‘Baggage’.

More often than not, it is a coverall for behavior that we don’t like in someone, “He/she had too much baggage”’

Everyone brings something into a new relationship that pre-existed. This can be a job, a house and furniture, children, as well as behavior patterns. Someone once wisely stated “It is not the baggage; it is how we handle it”.

Well, we have a chance to handle it differently with someone new, how stupid to waste that opportunity.

Here is some good news. As many that have hit relationship trouble, and then sought out help, have found - we can start afresh even within an existing relationship – it is just much harder work.

(See, I told you ‘relationships are hard work” is indicative of problems!)

In these blogs I will repeatedly come back to one of the greatest tools we have, the “Reality check”.

In this case, it can be phrased as “Does what I believe, what I demand, what I do, actually achieve what I want? Does the story I tell myself match up with what I really experience?”

I have found an amazingly large number of people continue where the reality check fails.

Coming in Part 4 – The Reality Check.

(Isn't blogging great. Unlike a book, we can hop and skip around like crazy!).